At First
by Serenity Aur
Summary: [SanzoxHakkai] At first, I never thought of him like that. Or him of me. But as time passed by, actions and words were exchanged, I wondered. At first, I had thought it mere impulse, at last...


**Author's notes: Well, I never thought of my first fanfic for Saiyuki was going to be this one, but it's not like that's such a bad thing. I was doing some homework for English when this came in mind. I simply had to write it. I never thought of it to turn out this long, but I don't mind. This is how my own thought patterns are, simple phrases laced with heavy meaning or no intention at all. So I like it. Enjoy everyone. (And be sure to review!)**

**Discalimer: Saiyuki, Sanzo, Hakkai, the events that happened in the anime and manga are owned by Kazuya Minekura.**

**Pairings: SanzoxHakkai. (_Shounen-ai. Male on Male_)  
Sanzo's Point of View.

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**At First**

At first, it was a game of innocence. Innocent as genocide. Bloodshed. Smoke. Vodka.

I never knew it.  
He never kept it.

We were both like children playing an intricate game of lies and deception.  
We were hiding inside. Whether we knew it or not. Whether we wanted it or not. But one thing is for sure. We needed it.

At first, he was a stranger. One very interesting person at best.  
When I was given his name, I thought of him as another fugitive. I didn't expect his face. It wasn't one of a criminal.  
Or a wanted man. Or an outlaw.

It was one of desperation. Sorrow. Agony. And at peace with his inevitable death. He expected it. He felt it his punishment.

What a waste.

In the end of that incident, I vouched for him. I defended him, even if I hadn't known him for more over a day.  
He was confused. I was confused as well. Why? Why had I done it? It was his face. His sorrow. I knew what it was like. To lose someone whom I've loved. Perhaps not to that extent.

But it was similar.

Then, after that I had thought I forgotten him. That he was out of my life. Only a reoccurring ghost in my vague dreams and memories. Only there I saw him. Those emerald eyes. That black hair. His soft voice.

Three years later and he was again in my life.

At first, it was just me. Or was it him? Maybe both. Maybe none. So close in the confines of a Jeep.

We understood each other. I never yelled at him. Or hit him. Or called him anything other than 'Hakkai'.

Throughout the journey, we were first acquaintances. Then partners. Then the bond became friends. Like I said, we understood each other.

We had shared many rooms together, seeming as every goddamn hotel was full when we arrived. Sometimes we slept in the Jeep, or on the dirt ground.

I never made a move on him.  
He never made one on me.

He always cared for me. I always watched his back.  
He was the mother hen.  
I was the smartass.

Two different people. Two different worlds. Yet it all seemed to click.

At first, perhaps it was all clicks. Maybe it still is.  
It was never physical. He was a man. I was one as well. It just didn't go.

But he was graceful.  
Careful. Elegant even, in his bloodstained clothes.

I was rough.  
Aloof. Indifferent to everyone and everything.

Two different people.

At first, I had thought of it to be curiosity. He asked me about love. Relationships.

I said no. What's the point? A woman in my life would most likely end up as extra baggage. Physically and emotionally. Cruel, but true.

All he said was a simple oh. That's when he became bolder. Or was it me?

He got some gears turning. I had no one to love. Yeah, I had some kind of caring in me for everyone else. Didn't want any of those bastards dieing on me. Just like a said, extra baggage.

But no one. And he didn't either. Perhaps, he could fill that gap? The same gap he had and wanted for me to fill.

So I was a tad bit flamboyant about it. Let's see if he catches on.

"Don't go off doing something stupid. Wouldn't want that pretty face of yours to get scratched."  
He laughs.  
"Same thing goes to you, Sanzo."

He caught on.

At first, I thought it was his simple personality to be charming. To be even a bit flirtatious. Not a flirtatious like Gojyo. A subtle type of flirt.  
Or maybe it was me.

We didn't do much. We couldn't it. It wasn't right even thought it was right. Right?  
We both then knew what we had to do.  
But we didn't know how.

Then one day. That one day. I had a nightmare. No a dream. One or the other and both at the same time. Hakkai was there.

He was with me.  
And I was with him.

And he kissed me softly. I was confused. What the hell, why?  
But I kissed him back.

I ran my fingers through his hair. Buried my face in his neck. He kept on whispering things that I couldn't understand.

But I didn't care.

I planted one kiss after another, his lips, his cheek, his neck, his chest. He was so warm. He was so tender.

My hands wandered throughout his body and he did to mine. I wanted to continue.

It was so heated.  
So passionate.  
So goddamn scary at the same time.

"Sanzo? Sanzo!"

I heard a voice. It was Hakkai. But wasn't he with me? Here? No... No. No. No.

He threw his arms about me, I was resisting.

"Wake up! It was only a nightmare!"  
Or a dream.

That's when I woke up.

"Sanzo! Thank goodness. You were shuffling about, and moaning even…"

"Hmm…" Was all I said. Did I talk while I was asleep? Did he see me? He most definitely heard me.

He still had his hands on my wrists. He face has looking down on me, mere inches away. We were most definitely in an awkward position. Awkward, yet comfortable.

"Hakkai…" I whispered, letting on only a hint of seductiveness.

"Sanzo…" He said in return, almost doubling the sensuality.

As if on cue, both of us seemed to closed the small gap between us. Smashed our lips together. Rammed our tongues down our throats.

It was a whole lot different than how I had expected. Unlike his serene exterior, Hakkai was frantic in his kisses. Quick, desperate, fervent kisses.

But I didn't care.  
Neither did he.

And from there… well. Let's just say that, at first, I didn't know what I was doing.

I still don't.

But one thing is sure.  
Where we hiding inside. Whether we knew it or not. Whether we wanted it or not. But one thing is for sure. We needed it.

At first, I had thought it was mere impulse. At last, I found out it was love.

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**Author's Notes: Aww! Please, tell me anything and everything you thought of this. Want more action? Needed more time? Oh and before you say. 'Oh mi gawsh, it's like gay!' I'll shoot you and tell you to read the pairings first. Then kill you. If you weren't already dead. Have a great day :D (_Review_!)**


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